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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Never Ashamed

Instead of embracing your feelings as being important, people decide to hide them away as something they are ashamed of. Too often without a release, these emotions creep back into other aspects of a relationship. So why do people hide things form their significant other?

That awkward moment when you realize a lot of people are in very awkward relationships. I had one guy tell me that he was unintentionally hurting his wife during sex for 7 years before she said a thing. He just thought she didn't like to have sex. I can't imagine having that bad of communication with my wife. Whenever we have a thought about anything it seems like the other one of us knows about it before we do. His reasoning for not having communication was because it would be awkward to communicate about sex... that decision not to be awkward made everything so much more awkward.. And he still doesn't understand why.

There are women that go to sleep with makeup on because they can't have their husbands know what they look like barefaced. When asked why they will respond "Because I can't have him know I'm ugly..." To me if there is one person in your life you don't have to hide anything from it should be your spouse. They should be the non-judging party that's there to support you in all you are.

I get tired of hearing from men "It took me 30 years of marriage to figure out that the wife is always right. Women are unreasonable so why try to reason with them?" I am a firm believer that everything happens for a findable reason. But to find that reason you need to have respect and sympathy for the other person.

 I was watching Gilmore Girls last night and the mom Lorelai was jealous of the attention her daughter Rory was giving to Lorelai's parents. Instead of communicating how she felt with herself and her daughter Lorelai got passive aggressive and started freaking out at Rory for stealing her sweater without asking. This essentially drove Rory even farther away. Lorelai was afraid of her jealous impulse so much that she subconsciously decided that she was upset about a sweater. Yes she was being selfish but it's nothing to be ashamed of because she loves Rory and simply wants her attention.

People have fear of not living up to expectations. Everyone has their own struggles, no one is perfect. Being a man that has many female friends, I get to see both sides of the spectrum. Men and women both suffer from wanting to be better than they are. And both men and women resort to sweeping the problems under the rug out of shame. Although striving to be better is a good thing, not being perfect yet is nothing to be ashamed of. The only healthy way to clean under that rug is to clean it together.

Monday, October 20, 2014

I am Never Lonely.

I am never lonely. Ever since I've married Angela I have never once felt alone. It dawned on me today how magical that is. Who can say that? Many would say that being lonely is part of the human condition; that it's unavoidable and you should not expect it to go away.  It's a pain I have felt in the past so deeply that its almost torn my every resolve asunder.

So why don't I feel it? Where did it go? Why do I feel like my loneliness just got up and flew away? I stared doing research. Supposedly loneliness is a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of isolation and motivate them to seek social connections. People can feel lonely even when they are with a group of people. I also heard that marriages fall apart because they expect their loneliness to go away and it doesn't. So the act of being with Angela in and of itself is not the cure for loneliness. So what is?

 My mind used to wander into that dark abyss of loneliness often. It's played a large role in my life's creative process. I would dwell on my feelings and accept them as part of life. I'm not saying I was goth but at times I could be more dramatic than I would like to admit.  But with Angela it's like she took me in her arms started to pet my head and with comforting words told me "Don't worry anymore everything's going to be fine." Her magic has never worn off. People tell me I'm still in the honeymoon phase, but every time I think about her I get a big hug in my soul like hers reached out and touched me from where ever she is. It's this feeling that makes me know because she exists I'm never alone. If that's not true love I don't know what is.

When we saw Billy Joel he informed us that if we ever had the chance to do what he does for a living to do it. It was a joke because he knew the probability of someone else becoming as fortunate with a profession was laughable. The truth is though I would not trade my life for his. If you know Billy Joel's story he has had lovers, friends, and security. He's had people comfort him with promises again and again. But it wasn't honest love, the kind of love you give 100% of yourself and never look back. And without that, he has had to live with loneliness and depression his whole life. He needs an Angela, we all do. If you ever have the chance to marry a woman like Angela, do it. She's my perfect balance in a not so perfect world. 

It is for this reason I am not lonely anymore. I don't have the alert an individual gets of isolation. I don't have any isolation anymore, not physical, metal, or emotional. All of these things are nurtured by my relationship with Angela naturally.  I'm not constrained to the motivate to seek social connections. I have made the most powerful connection there is. I feel so close to Angela everywhere I am. And this feeling is more than I ever hoped it would be.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Mistakes People Make About What Love Is

Love is an openly definable word. Sure it's a feeling of deep affection. Sure it's feeling a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. But so often people will say love is actions, intentions, or fate.  The definition of love is so clouded that we are all forced into creating the very popular term "true love".

So how do you separate what you want in the moment with what will bring you eternal true love? Well everyone has different equations for this. I've heard "happiness is simple" or "ignorance is bliss". I am afraid people try to shrink down everything good into a more manageable/comfortable size. People also do this by generalizations that appear complex but have no real meat in them-- these are called platitudes. I've heard "if it's meant to be it will happen" or "all you need is love".

It's ideology that gets people up in the morning. It's that idea of love that can drive people to do anything. Love that's pure and not clouded with false intentions. Clouded love is what leads to false ideals. After all, it is said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. People use love as a promise of the best life has to offer and then mix that love with selfish desire without even realizing it. This is where manipulations like "If you love me you will do (put random thing they want you to do here)" come from.

It's true that the more complex something is the scarier and overwhelming it can look. But don't hide from the corresponding intricacies of idiosyncrasy. Everyone is different than everyone else and that is not a simple concept, however it is a beautiful one. It takes people a lifetime or more to figure out what truly makes them happy. And just because it works for you does not always mean it will work for someone else.

For me to endeavor to purely love my wife is of the highest importance. I know that I love her because that is the most powerful word I know to describe what I feel. Although everyone throws the word love around like a beach ball, it is a genuine pleasure to find out how to love my wife purely day to day. To go though life good times and bad, and work together to have this coveted "perfect love". This endeavor is what brings us closer than anything I can imagine. This is what brings me love every day of my life.

Friday, October 3, 2014

The importance of friends

Angela and I love our friends. Spending time and enjoying the company of our friends is what we live for.  It is nice to just relax after a day that should make us feel tensed, nervous, or depressed and know we can play and be happy with our friends. After all, our main philosophy in life is "it's not about the activity you're doing its about the people you're with".

I didn't have much hope that I would ever find true friends. After all, I was trying to get invited to baby showers and girls nights. Most people told me to hide my true self from people and have superficial friendships, at least people might like me that way. Angela never saw me like that, she always wanted to know me for me and loved me more and more as she figured me out. This changed my life around. Angela allowed me for the first time to feel comfortable and let down my walls.

My personal growth over the last couple years has been substantial. Thanks to my wonderful wife and amazing friends I have felt more motivated in every aspect of my life. I was beginning to think someone unconditionally loving me was impossible. But now I know it doesn't mater what happens or however long its been since you've seen your friends, you are always there for them and them for you.

Not only do I have friends that love me for me, but they also stick up for me. I invited a girl to girls night and that girl said, "Isn't it awkward to be the only guy there?" and a wonderful friend chimed in and informed her that I was one of the girls. This made me feel accepted and so grateful. I don't like feeling left out and I'm so glad I don't have to feel that way again.

This last Saturday Angela and I had an opportunity to hang out with a couple of our friends Gail and Gretchen. We went to Little Tokyo and had an urban picnic. We had fun just looking at all the cute Japanese toys, stuffed animals, colored pencils, and backpacks. We even had some mochi from two different mochi shops. Angela and I prepared lots of good foods. However the best thing wasn’t how great the food was (though it was delicious), or that we where on an adventure in Little Tokyo (though that was fun) it was how great our friends are. We just chatted about whatever came to our minds and afterwards felt full of joy that we have such fun and loving friends.  It's fantastic that it’s possible to have friends like these and a wife that I have such a unique beautiful bond with. Life could not be better. :)