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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

My Confession

Some people fear that when the storms of life beat down, their marriage will fall apart and wash away. This blog is about the good times my wife and I share when looking at the world with hope. However, I would like to take a moment to look back at a time when hope seemed like a novelty less afforded.  Once upon a time not so long ago, my life was filled with uncertainty.  When Angela and I started dating I was going through the darkest time in my life. I confess I selfishly fell for Angela when I shouldn't have been in a relationship with anyone.

We all know those people that have the personality to play the victim all the time. I am not one of those people. I'm very embarrassed how much of a crying wreck I was at the beginning of our relationship. I was in a dismal place relatable to a time I went in to get blood drawn at the hospitable. They asked me if the new girl in training could try to take my blood. I said, "Sure! No problem!" I jumped at the opportunity to be strong and useful. However after she missed the vein 4 times and I had blood running down my arm, I felt so sick. Logically I knew I was in no danger. Logically I really thought I could handle whatever came my way. But after dry heaving in the trash can a few times I had to come to the realization that will power alone was not going to save me, sometimes out of weakness you involuntarily break down. And instead of happiness you're faced with damage control.


When I met Angela, my whole life was in this state of mental damage control. The trait I admire most and has been most helpful in our marriage is Angela's quiet determination. I felt when I told Angela my circumstance she would have left me to fend for myself. After all, how attached could she be having just started dating me? If I was a third party I would have told her "All that boy can hope for is to sort through his problems before you find someone else." After all, that's more than reasonable for someone you just started dating. But she didn't leave; she didn't even take a step back. She stood by me weathering the storm and nurturing me. I will never forget how much of an angel in my life Angela was and still is.

Unlike others in my life, Angela has never once made me cry. Whenever I hear the words "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." I smile, because I know she already proved she will. And now I try to prove I can be there for her too. Preparation for this was now my responsibility. I don't live for myself I live for us and I will never take Angela for granted. You always hear of the white knight upon a fiery steed saving the damsel in distress. Well Angela's no damsel in distress, but I knew someday life would probably get hard again and I needed to toughen up to help her the way she already helped me.

As I told you a little bit about in my first post, when we first got married life got tumultuous. By nature we are not pity seekers.Very few of our friends even know the entirety of how tumultuous our life has been since we got married. It seemed like everything we did was cursed, but Angela's example of quiet determination in adversity when we were dating prepared me to help her when she needed it. I am convinced we can handle anything that comes our way now. I know now when life turns into a state of damage control I am capable of playing my part in weathering the storm. Come what may without fear we will be there for one another. 

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